


Carol: Cate and Rooney after Cannes

by FanofCate



Category: Carol (2015) RPF
Genre: Entirely fictional., F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-02
Updated: 2016-08-16
Packaged: 2018-06-05 22:49:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 16,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6726529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FanofCate/pseuds/FanofCate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seeing Cate Blanchett and Rooney Mara together at and after Cannes made me wonder what their relationship is like. It inspired  me to this strictly fictional story. English is not my first language, so don't be distracted by my faults.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Cannes

 

“Well, we had to wait for Rooney to be born”. Cate’s words had the whole room laughing. Rooney no longer cared about the age difference. Like she was no longer  bothered by Cate’s incredible beauty. It was her wit, her intelligence, her talent for making people feel welcome and safe in her presence that made Rooney love her. While the laughter died down they exchanged smiles and Cate mimicked “Sorry”. Rooney nodded in recognition.

It started in Cannes, this feeling of belonging, this realisation that being together could be the next step after their collaboration that turned out to be an intense, emotional experience. Standing next to each other during the minutes long standing ovation after the first showing of _Carol_ , they had felt a new connection. A connection, different in its depth and meaning.

Seeing _Carol_ for the first time in its entirety, both Cate and Rooney had been anxious. Not only for the reaction of their loved ones, the press and the audience, all gathered in the magnificent Grand Théâtre Lumière. This would also be the first time they could see how their much anticipated on screen “chemistry” really looked like.

Oh, it had been there, this chemistry, right from the beginning. Rooney was eager to work with the actress she had admired ever since she saw her as Elizabeth I in 1998. Cate wondered how the intense young woman who had crawled into Lisbeth Salanders skin, would  cope playing a shy, brooding girl in the 1950’s.

Todd Haynes, their director, was convinced his two leading ladies would make the ideal Carol and Therese. And Rooney had to admit that he was right. From the start, during their very first scenes together,  they felt connected, able to follow the other in her mood, in the way she would bring her lines, would make a gesture, would look and feel.

After Rooney had shed her first uncertanties about working with such an accomplished actress, they worked on the same level. There was no hierarchy, only a collaboration of kindred spirits. Rooney loved the way Cate could shift between gravity and humour. Cate admired Rooneys dedication, the way she would really become Therese.

In the confines of the dark theatre they would also see, for the first time, the scenes of Therese and Carols, their, fysical coming together.  Rooney had accepted the two love scenes, one fully dressed, the other naked, without much thought. She had been there : with male _and_ female collegues. But Cate was rumoured  to be less enthousiastic about sexscenes. And sure enough, she at first had doubted the necessity of their lovemaking in the Drake Hotel, after Carol and Therese had left Waterloo following the exposure by the private detective. But in the end she admitted Todd had been right.

“Here we go…”, Cate had mumbled, when the screen was filled with the image of the shabby Waterloo hotelroom. Rooney had grabbed Cate’s hand and together they had watched  Carol and Therese’s wordless, tender lovemaking. They kept holding hands afterwards. Only when the screen turned black after Carol’s smile of disbelief and then love at seeing Therese at the Oak Room, they had set each other free. Then the lights went on.


	2. A strange sense of belonging

“What happened to them later? I just wished the best for you two.” Although Pete, the moderator, was wondering about what happened to Carol and Therese after their hookup at the Oak Room, to Rooney  it seemed as if he was referring to Cate and her.  For a moment they locked eyes. Cate nodded: she would take this question.

Her answer was non-committal: “You know, I didn’t ever move beyond that moment.” Was that true, Rooney wondered. She had often thought about what lay ahead of Carol and Therese. There was so much that seperated them: age, class, motherhood. Their life together would have to be a secret  life, hidden from the heterosexual mainstream. But there was also the strong physical attraction, their almost obsessive need for each other. Would it be enough ?

And what _about_ Cate and Rooney ? When the lights went on after the premiere at Cannes and the applause went on and on they had hugged, like all the members of the production team had hugged each other. There was laughter, but to her surprise she had also felt Cate’s tears on her cheek. “Are you okay, Cate ?” Rooney took her hand.  Cate lowered her head, whispering.  “Of course, sweetheart.” Rooney felt Cate’s lips lightly caress her ear. She blushed and swiftly turned to Todd to be clenched tightly against the front of his crisp white shirt. He was ecstatic.

After that, during the afterparty, Rooney’s eyes had followed Cate everywhere. She had watched her as she moved through the crowd, a swan surrounded by mere ducks. Everybody wanted to talk to her, touch her, be the object of her ever courteous attention. Of course, Rooney also had her share of praise and admiration but was also bothered by the sometimes gross questioning of journalists. “What was it like to be Cate Blanchetts lover ?”,one of them had asked. She pretended not to hear him, feeling a strange excitement in her stomach.

It was then that she felt Cate’s stare. Looking up she instantly drowned in the clear blue eyes. Cate smiled, showing the slight wrinkles around her eyes that Rooney had learned to love. Unable to get nearer to her, Rooney waved. Cate waved back, waiting for the smile and dimples that would open up Rooney’s face. It was a very intimate exchange that sent a sudden wave of affection through Cate. Neither of them was able to end it. It was her mother who brought Cate back to reality, shaking her arm : “Darling ? Where the hell _are_ you ?”

Cannes would only be the beginning for Todd, Cate, Rooney and the others. Later in the year, in September, _Carol_ would be at Telluride, followed by the New York Film Festival and the BFI London Film Festival in October. And after that, hopefuly, the awards circuit. There would be interviews, red carpets, dinner parties, photo sessions, the incessant repetition of the same questions and answers.

Rooney hadn’t looked forward to it until she realized it would bring Cate and her together again. What would it be like ? They had not seen each other after filming _Carol_ until Cannes. And here, at Cannes, she once again had felt nervous, almost shy, about being with Cate. But Cate had been delighted to see her and had made her feel part of the small circle of people that really mattered to her.

Their relation had also become more physical , mostly initiated by Cate. They held hands frequently and Rooney would feel Cate’s arm around her shoulder or waist , her hand on her lower back during the endless amount of photosessions. And then, in some corridor and in front of many camera’s, they had suddenly bumped into each other. Rooney felt Cate’s hand on her breast : “You just grabbed my boob !”, she yelled after her. “I know!”, Cate laughed. Was it an accident ? Had it been intentional ? Rooney didn’t know, but cherished the hilarious moment instead.

Although she was certain the party at the Palais des Festivals would go on for another few hours, Rooney decided to leave early. She graciously said goodbye to the  directors of the Festival, gave Todd and Phyllis a quick hug, but most of all wanted  to find Cate. She found her in a corner, talking to a French journalist. Could she disturb her ?  Instead she waved and went to the door in the back of the room that gave access to the quiet corridor used as a safe exit for the stars of the Festival.

A young securityguard opened the door for her, giving directions to the car that was waiting for her outside. After a few seconds there was a voice behind her. “Rooney ?” Before she could turn around, Rooney heard the clicking of heels, the rustling of a silk gown. And then Cate’s arms were around her, pulling her against her, holding her tight.

“I.., I have to go, Rooney stuttered. “”Feeling tired…”. Cate’s hand was under Rooney’s chin, forcing her to look into her eyes. “But what are we going to do about it ?” “About what ?, Rooney’s answer was hardly audible. Cate smiled, “About this. About us.”  “Is there an us ?”, Rooney’s voice quivered, but she felt a growing certainty inside her. So Cate felt it too, this strange and sudden sense of somehow  belonging together. “I want to find out”, Cate murmered. Rooney touched her face, once again mesmerized by those christal blue eyes,

Behind them the door opened again and they heard voices coming near. Rooney took Cate’s face in her hands. Their kiss was powerful, urgent and left them both breathless. Then they quickly stepped back, giving space to two men animatedly talking in French.

Rooney turned and walked away. 

“I really have to go."


	3. "So... Cate Blanchett..."

“So,… Cate Blanchett…”, Joe McGovern smiled his charming, almost shy smile. Rooney’s heart missed a beat and to her dismay she heard herself giggle. What to say ? Rooney smiled and held tight to the microphone in her hand. Joe made it easier for her by referring to Elizabeth and seeing Cate for the first time when she was thirteen.  A question she had answered a thousand times before. Still,  she couldn’t help herself: “She lived up to everything I imagined and she was also much more.”

How much more wasn’t something she was willing to share with Joe or the New York audience. It had become clear at Cannes, after that sudden kiss in the corridor of the Palais des Festivals. At that moment their mutual admiration and affection for each other had turned into something else. 

Seeing the love between Carol and Therese unfold on the big screen and experiencing how the Cannes audience was deeply touched by their story, had made Cate and Rooney realize that together they had created something extraordinary and beautiful. Of course, the genius of Todd and Phyllis’ wonderful script had a great share in it. But it was more than that.

Somehow, by their willingness to bring together their contrasting personalities and their different qualities as actresses and individuals, they had achieved something unique.  Together Cate and Rooney had made the love between Carol and Therese visible and tangible, turning it into something that transcended a conventional cinematic lovestory.

It filled them with pride, but it also made them look at each other in a new and different way. How was it possible that they had created this together ? What was it that they had awakened in each other, that, combined, brought this sheer joy ? Cate had called them kindred spirits. And Rooney knew there was physical attraction too. Something she had been well aware of during the month they were filming in Cincinnatti. 

As a professional actor she was used to playing sometimes very intimate scenes with other actors. But what looked like spontaneous, romantic lovemaking was a well rehearsed choreography that left no room for improvisation, let alone emotions. The scene at the Waterloo hotelroom was as much Todds work as it was Cate’s and Rooneys. It was their trust in each other that had made the intensely emotional and tender scene possible. And also, Rooney knew, the physical compatability between Cate and her.

But in that dark corridor at Cannes their kindred spirits and physical attraction had combined, not because they were Carol and Therese, but because they were Cate and Rooney.  It was an explosive encounter, that Rooney had run away from.  Afterwards, alone in her hotel room, Rooney regretted her flight. Why had she panicked ? Cate at least had been honest in her admission that she wanted to find out what was happening between them. Rooney had not been ready for that.

She knew Cate was leaving tomorrow and that it would take months before they would meet again on the tour surrounding the release of _Carol_ in the autumn. Rooney obviously had to speak with her. But calling her at what had now become a very late hour was hopeless.  A text message would have to do. She  looked at her phone and after some thought typed:  “We need to talk.” 

 The next morning Rooney woke up to the bleep of a text message. Cate. Her answer was short: “Yes. But when ?” Their hectic schedules of a promotional breakfast, last minute interviews and fotoshoots made a private meeting nearly impossible. In the end they could safe five minutes, by locking themselves in the packed office of the manager of the restaurant where their last interview had taken place.

Cate leaned against the small desk and held out her hand.

“Come here.”

And now it was so easy for Rooney to give in to Cate’s embrace, to kiss that broad, smiling mouth, to look into those clear blue eyes again, to feel her slender body pressed against her breasts. Their kisses were slow and soft, without the urgency of that first kiss in the corridor.

“Darling”, Rooney savored the word, wondering about the strangeness of saying this to the woman in her arms. Only now she thought about Charlie, her partner. And what about Andrew, Cate’s husband, her boys and the little girl ? She leaned her head against Cate’s shoulder.

“Look at us”, Cate laughed, resting her chin on Rooneys hair. “What on earth should we do now ?”

Instead of answering, Rooney tightened her embrace and once again sought Cate’s lips, almost agressively taking posession of her mouth. Cate trembled, bewildered by this growing passion  between them.

“Miss Mara ? Your car is waiting.” Who was this idiot that knocked on the door ? “Miss Mara ?”

Reluctantly, they broke away from each other.

 “Cate, I want this”, Rooney said, taking her hand.

Cate sighed.

“So do I, sweetheart.”

Once again there was a knock on the door.

“I’ll … I’ll call you”, Rooney said.

“Please,” Cate whispered, only now letting go of her hand.

Rooney opened the door.

 


	4. "Brava, brava, missus."

Cate regretted not being able to be at the Santa Barbara Film Festival to present the Cinema Vanguard Award to Rooney in person. Only two years ago it had been Rooney who had paid tribute to her at the festival. Their first meeting. In an interview, Rooney had called it “ tremulous”. Now, Todd did the honours, while Cate would speak to Rooney and the audience by means of a pre-recorded message. 

Cate wrote the tribute herself. She made it into a speech filled with admiration and affection, courteous and very personal. By now, she knew Rooney so well. Well enough to end her talk with the words that no doubt would make the audience wonder about their meaning. “Brava, brava missus, I’ll see you soon !” Of course everybody would find out that “missus” was Aussie-slang for “wife”. And what about the kiss she sent with it ? Let them speculate. She couldn’t care less. 

Their brief encounter at the small office at the Cannes restaurant had left Cate bewildered. It had taken all her courage to admit to Rooney that she wanted to find out what was going on between them. Then, Rooney had kissed her and although she had left her in the corridor right after that, she still made the next step by texting her. The talk they had in the crammed, little room was frustratingly brief. Cate could still feel Rooney’s body pressed against her own, her possessive kisses. Once more she had experienced the force of the emotions that were hidden behind Rooneys quiet and aloof exterior. But this time it was not as Therese on the set, but as Rooney in the intimacy of their meeting.

She had left Cannes in a blur, returning to Sydney, Andrew and the children. There was much to distract her from Rooney, though. Baby Edith, the girl they had adopted in March, would be there to be taken care of. Andrew was wrapping up his work at the Sydney Theatre, where she would be playing in his new play in August and September. They were moving house. And there were the usual fundraisers, interviews and other public appearances. 

In fact, there was no room at all for these sudden feelings, this longing for her enigmatic, beautiful co-star. Female co-star. Cate knew she attracted both men and women and felt at ease with it. She liked flirting with women, but had never translated those feelings into physical attraction. Not until Rooney. She loved being near her, to touch her. Partly out of a need to protect the petite, introvert young woman. Against what ? She was quite capable of taking care of herself, Cate had learned. As she had learned that Rooney loved being touched by her.

Rooney called a few days after Cate’s return to Sydney. Cate’s heart skipped a beat, when she recognized the number on the screen of her telephone. She tried to hide her nervousness when she answered.  
“Rooney ?”  
“Cate ?”, Rooney’s voice quivered.  
“Yes.” She suddenly felt shy, wondering how to tread into this unknown territory.  
“I don’t know what to say”, Rooney hesitated. “I miss you …”.  
“I miss you too, darling.”  
There was a long silence. Then they started talking about safe subjects, as if to talk about Todd, the children, the promotion schedule for Carol, somehow made it easier to reach the point they both shied away from.  
“I really want to see you, be with you.” It was Rooney who took the first step. “And before you say that that is impossible, hear me out.” 

It would be in New York, their first meeting as a couple that started whith what they could only call an affair. Carol was to be screened at the New York Film Festival on October 9th. Rooney would be there a few days earlier, staying at her family’s private apartment near Central Park. There, Cate would join her two days before the premiere, which gave them one day to be together before they were expected to appear at the pre screening pressmeetings and interviews. 

“Are we really doing this ?” Cate let out a sigh, after they had talked through the details. She wondered if Rooney felt this same bewildering mix of embarrasment and exhiliration.  
Rooney’s voice was soft when she answered.  
“Yes, we are dearest.” And then, “I haven’t talked to Charlie about this. Does Andrew know ?”  
“Oh my God, no.”  
Once again there was a long silence between them.  
“I whish I could hold you.” Cate’s audible longing made Rooney acutely aware of her own want.  
“Don’t.” Cate knew she had crossed the line that, until New York, they needed to create between them to contain the turmoil of their feelings and desire for each other.  
“Will you call me again, then ? Soon ?”  
Rooney closed her eyes.  
“I will.” She waited until Cate ended the connection.


	5. "My angel, flung out of space"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your enthousiasm and feedback. It made me decide to speed up writing this obviously much anticipated new chapter...

Chapter 5: “My angel, flung out of space.”

It wasn’t until she was seated in the comfortable first class suite of the plane that would take more than twenty hours to bring her to New York, that Cate allowed herself to think about Rooney. Not that she hadn’t been conscious of Rooneys presence, somewhere in her mind, these past few months. But somehow Cate had managed to steer away from imagining their encounter. Call it survival instinct: she knew she had to stay away from it to be able to keep functioning as a mother, a wife, an actress, the celebrity.

In the end she had not been able to keep it away from Andrew. As the beginning of October came near she had to inform him about her decision to leave for New York earlier than planned. Did he sense something, when she told him that she had accepted an invitation from Rooney to enjoy a few days together in New York before the bustle of the Film Festival ? He knew they had become close while shooting Carol. They had met several times and Andrew seemed genuinely charmed by Rooney, as were their three boys. But when they said goodbye this morning, next to the taxi that was to take her to the airport, he seemed nervous, edgy, even.   
“This is not a good idea, Cate.” He had taken her face in his hands, forcing her to look into his eyes.   
“Please Andrew, not now.” Hiding her face against his shoulder, she felt him tighten his embrace.   
“I love you.” His kiss was urgent, a silent plea to stay.   
“I love you too,”she said.

Cate felt uncomfortable about their sad goodbye. Andrew was her husband, her best friend, her partner at the Sydney Theatre and the production company that had made Carol possible. But her feelings for Rooney had nothing to do with him or their marriage. They had made her discover a new side of her, something that evidently had been hidden for a very long time. Deciding to be with Rooney, she had decided to confront these feelings. Whatever the consequences.  
________  
Rooney had sent the staff away for the afternoon. “I’m on my own, so why don’t you take the rest of the day off ?” They were only too happy to oblige. She wanted to be alone with Cate.

Pacing through the now empty appartment she felt nervous. She didn’t doubt her feelings for Cate. But even though it had sometimes been an ordeal not to be able to see or touch each other in the past months, she now felt shy. As Therese, it had not been difficult to be Carol’s lover. But there was no script for being Cate’s lover. 

When the concierge phoned to announce Cate she could barely answer. She walked to the elevator. When the doors opened, Cate stepped out, carrying a small overnight bag. Her other lugguage was already at the hotel where she would stay the next few days. She removed her dark sunglasses.

Then their eyes met and Rooney felt a blush colour her cheeks. Cate smiled.  
“Sweetheart.”  
“Come.” Rooney took her arm and walked her to the appartment. 

Once they were inside Cate dropped her bag, taking Rooney’s hand, bringing it up to her lips. The kiss sent an electric current through Rooney’s body. Looking into Cate’s eyes Rooney saw the same shyness she had felt before Cate’s arrival. She tentatively brought her hands to Cate’s face, drowning in the blue gaze.  
“You’re here.”  
“At last.” Rooney could almost feel the warmth of that deep voice.  
Cate took her in her arms, burying her face in Rooney’s hair that hung loose around her shoulders. Rooney clung to the lapels of Cate’s long, black coat, taking in the scent that was so unmistakably hers.   
“I’ve missed you so much.”

And it was only then that they kissed. At first is was a chaste kiss, as if they were still not sure how to express their feelings. But soon their kiss deepened and when Rooney started to unbutton Cate’s coat they both knew where this would lead them.

“Rooney, take me to bed.” Cate’s voice was hoarse with want, her eyes unfocused. Rooney let the black coat slip to the floor, then took Cate’s hand and led her to the bedroom. 

They had never done this before. While in their lovemaking in Waterloo they only had to follow the script laid down for them by Phillis and Todd, this was unknown territory. In her need to feel Cate’s body against her skin, Rooney had stripped in haste, but Cate seemed uncertain. Rooney walked to the other side of the bed where Cate was trying to unbutton her white shirt. Rooney took her hands away and reached for the buttons.  
“Darling, let me help you.” 

And while Rooney slowly undressed her, Cate drank in Rooney’s slender body with her eyes. Of course, she had seen her naked on the set and as Carol she had marveled at her beauty, murmuring ”I never looked like that”. But now, she was almost afraid to touch this delicate, young woman. 

At last Cate too was naked and they lay down on the bed. Lying on their side, facing each other, they smiled. They were alone now, no director or technician would witness this. And this time it was Rooney who took the lead, reaching with her hand to touch Cate’s breasts, slowly caressing them untill with a sigh Cate took her in her arms. 

Rooney pressed her down on her back, lying on top of her to make Cate feel her on every inch of her skin. She kissed Cate’s high forhead, her reddening cheeks, her long, graceful neck, that sensuous mouth. Slowly she took possession of the body of the woman she had admired since she was thirteen, but had wanted ever since that first kiss in Cannes. Her hand once again caressed Cate’s small breasts, her flat stomach, her narrow hips. Cate moved under her, pressing her body against her, wanting more. And then it was so easy to let her hand slip between Cate’s legs and find the wetness that was there, only for her.  
________  
The room was dark now. Rooney reached for the bedside lamp and in the dimmed light she looked at the woman lying next to her. Her blond hair, the impeccable cheekbones, her pale, alsmost translucent skin, the slow, enigmatic smile that made its way to her crystal blue eyes. They were all wrong, she thought. Highsmith, Todd, Phyllis, everybody. Her lips against Cate’s mouth, she murmured: “My angel, flung out of space”.  


	6. Chapter 6 "It's very easy to fall in love with Cate Blanchett."

Cate woke up totally disorientated. The room contained nothing familiar, but was clearly not a hotelroom. She sensed a sleeping body lying next to her. Only then she realised: Rooney. As she turned, now facing her, she took in Rooney’s fine features. She looked vulnerable, with her eyes closed. Cate knew that Rooney’s reticent look made most people reluctant to approach her. It had not bothered her, but still she was surprised about Rooney’s quick openness towards her. “I seem to have no defenses against you.” Rooney had smiled saying that, showing the dimples Cate now loved so much. 

Their lovemaking had been intense, tender, breathtaking. Cate’s marriage had lasted eighteen years and she had never been with anyone else during that time. Being with a new partner and, more than that, being with a female partner had at first been confusing. But her desire for the beautiful young woman soon overtook her shyness. Rooney had been thoughtful and passionate, fulfilling a need Cate did not know she had. Making love to Rooney, to take her soft, delicate body, had touched her deeply, marveling at the trust between them. Afterwards they had lain in each other’s arms until Cate, exhausted after her long trip, had fallen asleep.

Rooney stirred, slowly opening her eyes to Cate’s smiling face.  
“Good morning, sleepyhead”. Rooney frowned.  
“Couldn’t resist it.” Cate laughed, exaggerating her Aussie accent.”Did you sleep well ?”  
Rooney didn’t answer but instead pulled Cate towards her. They were silent for a while. 

The new day would confront them with questions they were not yet ready to answer. In the few hours left before Cate had to leave for her hotel, they wanted to savour this new intimacy and lock out the reality of the NYFF and its obligations. But there were already messages on their phones that had to be answered. Texts from partners, children, PA’s. When Rooney slipped into her robe to make some breakfast, Cate took her phone to call her sons, telling them she had arrived safely and was now with Rooney. Andrew was not there.

“Give my love to Daddy, will you ?” Dashiell agreed, only if Cate would say hi to Rooney for him.  
“Dashiell says hi,” she said to Rooney, who entered with a tray of coffee and croissants.  
“Did you speak to Andrew ?”Rooney decided to name the questions that lay in front of them.  
“No.” Cate averted her gaze.  
“Does he know ?” Rooney needed to know.  
“I think so. I didn’t tell him, but yes, I think he knows.”  
Rooney took Cate’s hand, squeezed it.  
“What about Charlie ?” Cate’s voice was hardly audible. Rooney sighed.  
“Yes, what about Charlie.” 

She had dodged his questions when she had told him she wanted to be alone at the Central Park appartment during the NYFF. But he was used to her evasiveness and had not pushed her, respecting her need for privacy.

They sat in silence on the bed, close, drinking their coffee. 

“I will tell him. But just not now.” Rooney put away her cup and shifted, so she could put her head on Cate’s shoulder. They were still naked. Cate let her hand roam over Rooney’s body, caressing her breasts, feeling arousal grow in them both.  
“What do you think of our first night together ?” Rooney blushed, catching Cate’s hand and keeping it against her heart.  
“Do you need to ask ?” Cate kissed the top of her head.

After some hesitation Rooney asked what had been on her mind ever since she woke up looking into Cate’s blue eyes, seeing a tenderness there that astounded her.  
“Will there be more ?”  
Cate didn’t answer, loosening her hand out of Rooney’s grip.  
“Cate, I need to know.” Rooney pushed forward, trying to read the mind of the woman she had opened up to in a way she had never given herself to anyone.  
“Dearest, I came here knowing nothing, only that I wanted to be with you.” Cate hesitated. “And you gave me what I needed, more so than I could ever have imagined. How could there not be more nights, more days like this ?” She sat up, bringing a hand to her forehead.  
“But I need to get my head around this. Need to know how to deal with this, this new love for you. I’m 46, I’m married, have four children, more obligations than I can think of. I want you in my life, but where does this all fit in ?”

Rooney embraced her from behind, leaning her body into Cate’s back.  
“Cate, I love you.” She whispered the words they both feared, knowing that there would be no turning back once they had admitted to a bond that went further than sheer physical attraction.  
Cate lowered her head.  
“Please, don’t.”

But Rooney couldn’t let go. She cupped Cate’s breasts, kissing her neck, pushing her onto the bed.  
“We will find a way. Until then we will live by the day. And today, just let me love you.” And she did, leaving Cate breathless, while she stroked and took possession of every part of her body. Afterwards she soothed her in her arms, both crying.

They showered together, already experiencing a warm familiarity with each others ways and needs. They discussed meeting the next day, in the company of Todd, Sarah, Phyllis and other members of the crew. And agreed they would act as loving friends would act. It made it possible to be near to each other, without arousing too much suspicions. But why would anyone suspect anything, given their present public lives ? 

Once again in her black coat, Cate felt weary, not wanting to leave. Rooney urged her to go: she was already late for her next appointment. They embraced in the hall.  
“Goodbye, missus.” Cate gloated at Rooney’s startled look.  
“What ! Don’t you patronize me.” She snatched Cate’s lapels, pulling her close to kiss her, biting her lips. 

Cate opened the door and left, still laughing.


	7. "Kindred spirits"

To her surprise Rooney heard someone enter the apartment not long after Cate’s departure. She had just gone back to the bedroom to do something about the mess they had made of the bed the night before.   
“Hello ?”.   
Rooney recognized the voice. It was the other Kate in her life. Obviously her sister also had business in New York and had decided to stay at the Central Park apartment too.  
“In here !”  
Kate stuck her head round the door. Her gaze went to the bed, then to her younger sister.   
“What’s this ?”  
“What do you think ?”  
Rooney sat on the bed, looking up to her sister. Kate remained at the door, reluctant to enter the intimacy of the room and what obviously had happened there.  
“You’ve got to help me with this. I just saw Cate Blanchett leave the building …”  
“Yes.” Rooney shrugged.  
“She was here, last night ?” Kate said, incredulously.  
“Yes, she was.” Rooney’s eyes met Kate’s.   
“My God, I don’t believe this ! Please, get me some coffee first!”  
Kate turned around, heading for the kitchen. Rooney followed, gently closing the door behind her.

Leaning against the kitchen counter Kate made her tell it all. Rooney did not resist, happy to share her confusion and uncertainties with her. She knew Kate wouldn’t judge her, even when there had never been a reason for her to expect her sister to have feelings for another woman. Kate was close to Ellen Page, had even asked her to be her Valentine when Ellen came out in the beginning of 2014.   
“Are you in love with her ?”, Kate asked matter-of-factly after Rooney had told her about Cannes and how things changed after that.   
“Yes, very much.” It was a relief for Rooney to put her feelings for Cate into words. During the months after Cannes it had been impossible to share her thoughts. But talking to Kate made it possible to assess her situation from a distance, to clear her mind, to even glance at the future.  
“And, what was it like ?” Discretion had never been her sister’s best asset.   
Rooney smiled, showing her dimples.  
“Sweet, sweaty. Do you really want to know ?”   
“To be honest, no …” Kate laughed, knowing her sisters secrecy.

“What do you want from her ?” Kate walked to the living room carrying two mugs of coffee.  
Rooney shrugged, joining her sister to sit next to her on one of the big couches that offered a view of Central Park.  
“I don’t know. I don’t think there’s much to ask. I mean, what have I to offer her: she’s married, has four children, is one of the best actresses around, lives in Australia, is the most beautiful woman …”  
“You can stop now, I get the picture.” Kate shook her head, then continued.  
“Rooney, think ! Why do you think she agreed to come here ? Why did she spend the night with you? Why, after eighteen years of marriage did she break her vows ? Because of you, my dear, not so clever little sister. She did all that for you. What do you think that means ?”   
Kate put an arm around Rooney who rested her head on her shoulder. It felt safe and familiair. Rooney smiled.  
“Perhaps you’re right.”

After leaving the Central Park apartment Cate had hailed a taxi to bring her to her hotel. Leaning back in the passenger seat, she felt elated. The fear that had dominated her desire for being with Rooney had disappeared during their night together. It had been five months since those moments in Cannes where she had discovered her totally new feelings for Rooney. Five months in which they had only talked on the phone, mostly avoiding to speak about their emotions. In the end it had made her wonder how real these feelings really were. But now, there were no more doubts. 

Cate smiled, still aroused while remembering how Rooney had undressed her when her own courage seemed to falter. How they had lain on the bed, facing each other. Cate had been well aware of the step she was taking when she gave in to Rooney’s first caresses. A step away from Andrew, her children and her full, safe life with them. It was what she wanted, to explore this unknown road. She was ready for the consequences, even though it was difficult to imagine what those would be. But for now, as Rooney had said, they would live by the day.

Making love to Rooney, just being with her, had made her feel free, free of the cares and obligations that marked her life as a wife, a mother, the consummate actress. It wasn’t just the -overwhelming as it turned out- physical attraction between them. Despite their differences, and to be honest, there were many, they had found common ground in the way they perceived their hectic world and their ways to remain their own person in that world. They were, indeed, kindred spirits.

When she arrived at the hotel there were photographers waiting, hoping to catch a glimpse of the Oscar-winning actress. She took of her sunglasses while stepping out of the taxi, putting on her professional smile. She was ready.


	8. Vulcanic feelings

There was a soft knock on the dressingroom door.  
“Roger, would you please …” Cate looked up at the make-up artist standing behind her chair.  
“Sure.” The young man, brush in hand, opened the door.  
“Miss Blanchett !”  
“Miss Mara !” Rooney was already in makeup, impeccably dressed in a black Chanel dress. She positioned herself behind Roger, not wanting to disturb him while he was putting on the finishing touches of Cate’s makeup.  
“Sweetheart, how was your day ?”, Cate’s eyes met Rooney’s in the mirror. She saw a blush creeping up Rooney’s cheeks. No doubt she was also thinking about the night that had preceeded their goodbye’s this morning. It amused Cate to tease her young lover with an ignorant Roger present.  
“Fine. My sister came by.” Casually Rooney added, “For the first time in ages we had a good sister-to-sister talk.”  
Cate’s eyebrows shot up.  
“Miss Blanchett … “, Roger pulled his hands away from her face.  
“Sorry”, Cate murmured. Rooney’s remark had startled her. She was not ready yet to let others in to something that had barely started and still confused her. Why had Rooney already trusted her sister with this ?  
Rooney immediately noticed the change in Cate’s mood.  
“Cate …”  
Cate turned around in her chair.  
“Roger, could you leave us alone for one minute ?”  
“But, Miss Blanchett …” There was a slight panic in his voice.  
“It’s okay, I’ll be fine”, Cate assured him. He left, muttering.  
Rooney sat on the edge of the makeup table, facing Cate.  
“Please, don’t worry about it. Kate will not talk.” She put her hand on Cate’s shoulder.  
“Perhaps not, but it’s too soon. We have barely even talked to each other about this.”  
She took Rooney’s hand.  
“I’m a mess and I don’t want that. I need to sort things out with you before I can handle other people knowing it. Even if it’s your sister.”  
Rooney lowered herself onto Cate’s lap, taking the risk of makeup ending up on her dress.  
“I’m not going to apologize, but I understand your worries. But we will work this out. Trust me. Together.”  
Cate sighed, but could not resist Rooney’s lips nearing hers.  
“God, “ Rooney murmured, “I’ve missed you.”  
They kissed, an eager, sloppy kiss, while Cate’s hands avidly caressed Rooney’s back, that was left bare by her beautiful dress.  
“Miss Blanchett ?” Roger’s knock brought them back to reality. Rooney jumped off Cate’s lap, just in time retreating into a corner. Cate touched her hair, hoping it was still all right. She smiled at the makeup artist as he entered the room.  
“Thank you Roger, I’m all yours now.”  
Behind her back Rooney tried to stifle a laugh. 

De NYFF audience simply loved Carol. Once again, there was a standing ovation and again the crew huddled together to enjoy this bath of cheers together. And like in Cannes, Cate and Rooney felt elated, acutely aware of the small miracle they had created together. During the Q & A after the premiere Cate described the emotions between Carol and Therese as “volcanic feelings that basically ambushed them.” Rooney couldn’t help but think that this was exactly what was happening between Cate and her.

But sitting next to each other during the Q & A they also felt somewhat ill at ease. They had agreed to act in public as loving friends, but to put this to the test was another matter entirely. Where looking and touching had up till then been spontaneous, thoughtless acts, these were now part of their growing intimacy as lovers. Rooney hardly dared to look at Cate, who lacked her usual humour when answering the questions from an eager audience. Trying to hide their discomfort they nevertheless felt Phyllis gaze at them, her face a questionmark. 

Afterwards Phyllis took Cate’s hand and manoeuvred her to a quiet corner of the bar where they had retreated with the crew and NYFF officials.  
“Cate, what is going on ?”  
Cate feigned surprise.  
“What do you mean ?”  
With her free hand Phyllis waved in the direction of Rooney who was a few steps away, frowning at them.  
“What’s going on between you and Miss Mara ?”  
Cate felt caught.  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”  
“Come on Cate, you can’t fool me.”  
Cate’s piercing look didn’t impress the screenwriter.  
“Rooney has been swooning over you since the beginning, but I have the impression that in the meantime you are in a bad state as well.”  
Phyllis enjoyed tormenting her beautiful collegue, who now looked like a schoolgirl caught at lying.  
“Not that I mind though, you two look wonderful together.”  
Cate let out a deep sigh, giving in.  
“Phyllis, I don’t know what to do.”  
Phyllis soothingly put an arm around Cate, careful not to mess with the tattoo covered tulle of her Aouadi dress.  
“First of all, just enjoy this. Then, talk to your husband. But only when you’re ready for that”, she added, when she felt Cate cringe.  
“And be careful not to hurt too many people. Including yourself.” Phyllis kissed Cate’s cheek and walked over to Todd who was trying to get her attention. Rooney took her place, next to Cate.  
“What was that all about ?”  
“Some good advice from a dear friend. “ Cate scanned the bar to see if they could leave.  
“Let’s go.” Rooney took her hand, leading her through some corridors to Cate’s dressing room. Shutting the door behind them she took Cate in her arms.  
“Have I told you yet how much I like your tattoos ?”  
Cate surveyed her arms.  
“They’re nice, aren’t they ? I could have your name …”  
Rooney silenced her with a kiss, pushing her against the door. As usual Cate towered over her, but this time Rooney was not impressed by her height. Her left hand found the zipper at the back of Cate’s dress. With her right hand she locked the door.  
“No more Rogers today.”


	9. “…and ends up with a shopassistent as well..”

From the window of the cottage Cate looked out over the sea that in the setting sun coloured red. Behind her she heard Rooney rummaging in the kitchen, looking for glasses for the wine they had brought with them. A domestic sound, something to which they were not accustomed during the short periods they had been able to spend together after their stay at the New York appartment. There had been some illicit nights in hotel rooms during the tour with Carol and the awardseason afterwards. A few encounters at airports, where they could briefly meet before they went to their respective filmsets, fashionshows, or charity dinners. They were the meagre, sometimes frustrating ingredients of a still very clandestine affair. 

They had arrived at the cottage in the late afternoon, driving down from London having had only a few hours sleep after the BAFTA ceremony. It had started so well with Stephen Fry ‘s joke about Cate going into a department store to buy a train set and ending up with a shopassistent as well. But like the Golden Globes the BAFTA’s had turned out to be a deception. It seemed as if Carol was jinxed when it came to the mainstream awards. Cate’s heart went out to Todd and Phyllis, who’s courage and creativity had given her and Rooney the opportunity to play their wonderful roles. Somehow the film establishment was not ready for a story that centered around women and their love for each other, excluding men. 

The cottage at the East Sussex coast belonged to a friend of Cate from the years she had lived at Brighton. Jane had been discreet, not bothering her with questions she obviously did not want to answer. The key had been under a flowerpot and Jane had filled the refrigerator with enough food for a few days. Cate felt at ease in the comfortable and casual atmosphere of the house, that was built near a cliff and offered a breathtaking view of the sea. It was here where Rooney and she could finally be alone together. And it would have to be here that they could have the talk they both feared but they also knew to be unavoidable. 

Two weeks ago, Rooney had left Charlie. It shocked her how easy it had been to leave behind their five year old relationship. Being the son of two Hollywood actors he had fitted well into her life and family. She had enjoyed his company, but she also realised that there had been very little passion in it. Charlie had been devastated and could not accept she would leave him for a woman who, as far as he was concerned, could promise her nothing.   
“Dream on Rooney. You don’t seriously think she will leave her husband and children for you ?”   
He sat on their bed, with an irritated gesture wiping away his tears.  
“That’s not what I ask of her.” Rooney experienced a strange calmness, as if she was looking at herself from a great distance. She felt sorry for him.  
“Does she even love you or is it just one big Aussie joke to her ?”  
“I can’t help you with that.”She knew it was a mistake, saying that.  
“Don’t you bloody quote from Carol to me !”   
He lay down on the bed, turning his back to her.  
“I want you to leave.”  
“I will,”she said.

Rooney had called Cate right after that.   
“Sweetheart, what can I say ?” Cate sounded distant, after she had listened to Rooney’s words.  
“Just say you care,” Rooney pleaded.  
“I do, dearest, I do.”  
“But ?” Rooney hesitated, not knowing how to read Cate’s mind.  
“There is no “but”, but you must give me some time to digest this. Look, I …”  
Cate fell silent. Rooney could hear her breathing. She knew it had no use to force her to say anything more.  
“Cate, I’ve got to go.”  
“Okay, sweetheart. Take care.”  
“I love you,” Rooney murmered, but the line had already gone dead.  
They had not spoken to each other until Cate had called Rooney to ask her if she would join her at the cottage after the BAFTA’s.  
“I think we need to talk.” There was a shyness in Cate’s voice.  
“Yes. And yes, I will come with you.” Rooney was relieved Cate took the initiative. They needed to bridge the distance that somehow excisted between them ever since she had left Charlie. There would be no opportunity to talk during the BAFTA’s. But going to the cottage would make that possible. 

The soft clinking of glasses announced Rooney coming in with their drinks. She placed the tray on the low table in front of the window.   
“Isn’t this lovely ?” Cate gestured to the sun still bathing their surroundings in a red glow.   
Rooney stood behind her, her arms encircling her.   
“Just like you.” Her mouth grazed Cate’s neck, making them both shiver.   
Cate put her hands on Rooney’s, placing them on her breasts.   
“Let’s not talk yet.” She turned around in Rooney’s arms, looking straight into her green eyes.   
“I want you.”  
Rooney felt herself drown in Cate’s almost angry stare.  
“Then take me.”  
This time they were not gentle with each other, as if by bruising their bodies they could end the anxiety that for the first time had entered their relationship. Their kisses were urgent, open mouthed, aggressive. Cate lifted Rooney in her arms and carried her to the couch in front of the fireplace. She tugged at the buttons of Rooney’s jeans. But before Rooney could remove them Cate already let her hand slip under the waistband, knowing she would find her ready for her.


	10. “An awestruck superfan”

Rooney woke up to the sound of rain on the roof. Their bedroom was right under the low beams of the thatched cottage. It was only a matter of time before Cate would bang her head as she did the night before , which left a bump on her forehead. Rooney had kissed it to take away the pain.   
“My poor darling.”  
“You will make an excellent mother”, Cate rested her head against Rooney’s shoulder.  
“I will, if you want me to.” Rooney felt Cate stiffen in her arms. She tightened her grip, as if to force Cate to listen to her.   
“Cate, we need to talk about the future.” She hesitated, but then added “If there is one, for us…”  
Without a word Cate freed herself from Rooney’s embrace and walked to the bed, where she crawled under the comfortable duvet. After some delibiration Rooney joined her. They laid side by side, both staring at the beams. Rooney let the silence linger, wanting Cate to be the one to speak. 

And it was the older woman who spoke first. Shifting, she folded her arms behind her head, stubbornly staring at the oak beams above them.  
“I feel as if I’m put on the spot”. Her voice was hoarse.   
Rooney exhaled, not even aware that she had held her breath.  
“What do you mean ?”  
Cate turned her head, frowning.  
“Come on Rooney. How would you feel when out of the blue I called you to say that I had left Andrew ?”  
“I don’t know, I …”  
“You’re going so fast. First by telling your sister about us and then you leave your boyfriend, while I …” Cate fell silent.  
“What. What Cate …” Rooney didn’t want to sound confronting, but she felt Cate flinch. She touched her shoulder.  
“Sorry, I don’t want to upset you.”  
“It’s okay.” Cate’s hand touched Rooney’s. Closing her eyes, Cate went on.  
“When I met you at first I was intrigued. I had seen some of your work, admired the roles you chose, was astounded by the lengths you would go to play a troubled woman as Lisbeth Salander. I knew your reputation as a very private person, somebody who doesn’t talk much, but observes everything with those beautiful green eyes.” She smiled.  
“Then I was charmed. You mollified me with your speech at the Santa Barbara ceremony in February 2014 when you called yourself just an awestruck superfan. You were so shy, afterwards, and I fell in love with your smile and your dimples.”  
Rooney shifted and crawled against Cate, putting her head on her shoulder.   
“When we started working together on Carol I felt admiration. For your talent, your dedication, your intelligence, your warmth, your beauty. And at Cannes… well, at Cannes all I could feel was love. And desire, she added, kissing Rooney’s hair.   
“And today ?” Rooney whispered, not certain if she wanted to hear Cate’s answer.  
“Oh, it is still there, everything.”  
Rooney’s thoughts went back to their phonecall, only two weeks ago, when Cate turned to stone when she told her that she had left Charlie.  
“Why does it upset you, me leaving Charlie ?”  
Cate sighed.  
“As long as you were with him I could still pretend there was no need to decide what to do with our relationship. We could just be in the moment. But now you are free. What does that mean ? I know I could not live without my children and it is important that Andrew remains a part of my life and theirs. But I also want you in my life, Rooney . Not in a clandestine way, but for the whole world to see.”  
“I want that too, dearest.” Rooney’s hand moved under the t-shirt Cate wore as makeshift pyjamas. She caressed the soft skin underneath, consciously avoiding Cate’s breasts. This conversation, their first real conversation about their relationship and what it meant to them, was of far more importance. Cate put her hand on Rooney’s, making her stop. She did not want to be distracted, not now she was able to put into words what had been on her mind for some time now.   
“Which means I will have to talk to Andrew. And the boys.”   
Rooney had met Cate’s “brood of boys” on several occasions. She got on very well with them and they in turn adored her. Rooney knew that next to being an actress being a mother was what kept Cate sane and grounded. There was no way she could be a part of Cate’s life if she didn’t love her boys and the little girl she had adopted last year.   
“What have you told Andrew ?”   
“Not much.” Cate remembered Andrew’s hurt look when she returned from her stay with Rooney in New York. They had met in London at the BFFI Festival where, a few days after the NYFF, Carol had its British premiere. He had interrogated her, pressuring her to tell him what was going on between her and Rooney. She had been brief, not willing to elaborate on her growing feelings for Rooney. Ultimately she had told him they were good friends. After that, he had refrained from asking her, but she knew he sensed that they were more, far more than that.   
“He knows we see each other occasionally, but I have not told him about our physical relationship.”  
“Why ?” Rooney knew she entered dangerous territory when she added another question, the one that was bothering her more than she would admit: “Do you still sleep with him ?”  
“Yes, yes I do.”  
Cate put her hand under Rooney’s chin, turning her face upwards so she could look into her eyes. Rooney’s face remained emotionless, but the sadness in her eyes betrayed her feelings.  
“Tell me what you think.” Cate’s voice quivered.  
“I, I didn’t expect this.”  
“Did you stop sleeping with Charlie after our first time ? “  
“No, not at first.” Rooney remembered the growing tension in her relationship with Charlie after her first night with Cate.   
“I did not know how to deal with my feelings for you and tried to go on with my life with him. That included sleeping with him … But it didn’t take long before I couldn’t take that anymore.”  
Rooney’s eyes filled with tears.  
“Why ? Why do you still sleep with him ?”   
Cate sighed.  
“He is my husband, I still feel connected to him.”  
She shook her head.  
“It doesn’t happen very often.” 

Rooney listened to the rain. A soothing sound. Cate was still asleep, lying with her back to her, her blond hair spread like rays of sun on her pillow. Rooney saw the red marks her nails had left on her lovers back. After Cate’s admission she still slept with Andrew they had been silent for a while, once again lying next to each other. But Rooney had felt her anger grow until it turned into arousal. She turned on her side and leaning on her elbow she brought her face over Cate’’s. Looking into the blue chrystal of her eyes she saw uncertainty, mingled with … fear ?   
“Oh, fuck you, Blanchett !”  
She used her fists in an attempt to hurt the woman she loved more than she thought she was capable of. Cate did not defend herself, accepting the bruises Rooney would cause in her frenzy. But soon those fists turned into hands that caressed the body she craved, pulling it close. She ripped open Cate’s t-shirt, exposing her breasts, kissing them, biting their nipples. Then Rooney wedged her leg between Cate’s thighs. Cate’s hips rose and Rooney used her hand to claim the body that right now was hers, and only hers.   
Cate’s orgasm was quick and fierce.  
“Darling,” she murmured, devouring Rooney’s mouth. She was hers.


	11. "Well, that's that"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cate and Rooney visit Charleston. For those of you who want to know more about it: visit www.charleston.org.uk.

That morning they were cautious, alsmost shy, with each other, both aware that a new element had entered into their relationship. Until then it had been mainly Cate who had dictated the way their affair had developed; setting the pace of their meetings, determining the locations. Rooney had merely followed, accepting the demands of her older lover.

But last night had been different. Rooney had confronted Cate with her questions, without giving her the chance to evade answering them. It had made Cate aware of their respective positions and how Rooney’s decision to leave Charlie also affected hers. She now knew she had to make a decisicion herself.

Their lovemaking after this confrontation had astounded them both. Never before had there been anger next to the tenderness they always felt for each other. Cate was bewildered by her reaction to Rooney’s fury and the pain she had inflicted: she had surrendered to it, but had also felt arousal. Rooney fiercely regretted her loss of control and was baffled by Cate’s reaction to it. They both realised it had shifted the balance in their relationship.

They had a quiet breakfast together, but the silence was not uncomfortable, as if they both knew they needed space to process what had happened the night before. Cate went for a walk along the cliffs, leaving Rooney nestled with a book by the fireplace. When Cate returned she found Rooney sound asleep. She took the other chair next to the fire and decided to wait until Rooney would wake up. 

It gave her the opportunity to watch her beautiful lover without being observed by her green, thoughtful eyes. Cate admitted to herself that, fooled by her youth and quiet manner, she had underestimated Rooney’s passion and force. She should have known better, no, she even knew better, remembering the way Rooney had initiated their first kiss in Cannes. Being older Cate had too easily assumed she would take the lead in this affair. 

Even though they had never spoken about it, Cate was bothered by the age difference between them. They were at different stages in their life, careerwise but most of all as a person: she had been in a relationship for eighteen years, had four children and physically sometimes felt her age. Nevertheless, it didn’t seem to trouble Rooney. Cate felt her body react every time she thought about how Rooney could not get enough of her when they made love. Never before had she experienced such intensity in a physical relationship. It reinforced the decision she had taken during her walk.

Rooney stirred, slowly opening her eyes to find Cate’s blue stare on her.   
“You’re back.”  
Cate smiled. “Yes, sweetheart.”  
“Give me five minutes”. Still sleepy Rooney carefully made her way to the bathroom. When she returned Cate was still seated in front of the fireplace. She patted the arm of her chair. Rooney sat down on it, putting an arm around Cate’s shoulder. Still silent, they watched the flames. Cate took Rooney’s hand, pressing a soft kiss on it.  
“There is so much I want to tell you. But before that I would like to show you something. Will you come with me ?”  
Rooney’s dimpled smile was enough to let Cate know that she would come with her.  
Confidently Cate steered their car along quiet country roads. It had stopped raining and the hills were illuminated by a watery sun. Rooney enjoyed the ride, feeling safe in the confines of Jane’s ancient Landrover. They took a narrow countrylane that turned into a car park where Cate soon found a spot for the Landrover. Rooney surveyed her surroundings.  
“Where are we ?”  
Cate took her arm.  
“Welcome to Charleston.”

Cate purchased their tickets and after that took Rooney on a tour through the old farmhouse that from 1916 on had been the center of the Bloomsbury Group. Rooney had read Virgina Woolf and was familiar with the still inspiring group of English modernist artists, writers and intellectuals. But she was not prepared for Charleston. It was a work of art. The main occupants, painters Vanessa Bell and Duncan Grant, had decorated every door, wall and mantelpiece. But also the curtains, furniture and even the crockery bore the hallmark of their creativity. Rooney was mesmerized by the colours, the playfulness of the decorations, the way the house still seemed to be alive. The other visitors didn’t pay much attention to them. Even if they recognised the two actrices, their British discretion prevented them from showing too much curiosity. 

Cate told Rooney about the group and the intricate relationships between its members. Vanessa was married, but lived with Duncan Grant, who was gay but fathered one of her three children. Her sister Virginia was engaged to also gay Lytton Stratchey, then married Leonard Woolf and fell in love with lesbian writer and gardener Vita Sackville West. Duncan and Lytton were once lovers and Duncans daughter Angelica married Bunny, also a former lover of her father.   
“They were honest about their affairs, even though it hurt, most of the time. Only Angelica was left in the dark, for a long time not knowing that Duncan was her father. She never forgave Vanessa.”

After more than two hours they reached the garden and sat by the pond. It was getting cold, the sun already setting. Cate stared at the now bare trees surrounding the house.   
“I love this place”, she said. “I went here many times when Andrew and I lived in Brighton. It never ceases to excite and inspire me.”   
Rooney quietly waited for Cate to continue.  
“Most of all I feel attracted to it because of its humanity. People lived, created and loved here in a way that liberated them from the conventios of everyday life. They were free, even though they sometimes had to pay a high price for it, like Vanessa who loved a man who would never really want her.”  
She took Rooney’s now cold hands, warming them between her own.   
“ I want to be free, Rooney. To honestly live my life the way I want it, together with my children. To act, to direct, to travel, to just be. And I want you there, with me.”  
Rooney felt a great calm descending on her. She touched Cate’s face, wiping away the tears that had started to fall from her eyes. Smiling, she said  
“Well, that’s that.”


	12. "No other love."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This may be the last chapter for some time. I will be abroad for a few weeks and will not have the opportunity to write. Perhaps there will be something tomorrow, but otherwise you will have to make do with this chapter. And by the way, thank you to all reviewers for your support!

“No other love”

“Cate, what the fuck is this supposed to mean ?”  
To say Andrew was agitated would be an understatement. He was furious. In his hand he held a newspaper folded at the showbizzpage. He pointed with his finger to a grainy photograph taken at what appeared to be an airport terminal. Cate stepped forward, taking the paper from him.  
It was picture of her and Rooney. They were caught kissing each other at Heathrow Airport just before they would go their separate ways to take the flights that would bring them back to New York and Sydney. The caption left nothing to the imagination: “Putting Carol into practice ? Australian star Cate Blanchett, married to playwrite Andrew Upton and mother of four, passionately kisses her young American co-star after secret getaway.”

“And don’t tell me that this is not what it seems !” His indignation made him turn purple in the face.  
“No Andrew, this is exactly what it seems.” Cate handed him back the paper, shocked, but also feeling relieved it was now into the open, whatever the consequences.  
Andrew let himself fall into one of the chairs at the dinnertable.  
“My God. How many times have I asked you, Cate. But you have denied it each and every time.”  
He put his face in his hands.  
“How long ?”  
“Does it matter ?” Cate sat down. Between them, on the table top, lay the newspaper, the picture still visible.  
“How long ?” He spat out the words.  
“Since Cannes.” There was no reason to deny it anymore.  
Andrew fell back in his chair, looking straight at his wife. There were tears in his eyes.  
“Why ?”

To Rooney’s surprise Kate was waiting for her at the airport. They hugged. Kate looked worried.  
She took out her phone, opened a screen and gave it to her sister.  
“Look.”  
“Fuck,” Rooney cursed, when she saw the picture. Looking over Kate’s shoulder she saw another photographer pointing his lens at them. She took Kate’s hand.  
“Take me out of here.”  
Kate had a taxi waiting for them in front of the terminal. Rooney’s London lugguage would be sent after them. Once in the taxi Kate started to interrogate her younger sister.  
“Tell me what’s going on, Rooney.”  
“To be brief: she wants me to live with her.” Though shocked by the disclosure of her affair with Cate, Rooney still was elated after Cate’s admission she wanted her with her.  
“She’s leaving Andrew ?” Kate was astounded.  
“It’s complicated.”  
Kate let out a deep sigh.

After they had left Charleston they had sat in silence in the Landrover while Cate drove back to the cottage. Their longing was almost tangible. Rooney’s hand had been on Cate’s thigh, grazing the inside seam of her black trousers until Cate, unable to concentrate on her driving, had begged her to stop.  
“I will drive us into a ditch, killing us both.”  
Muttering, Rooney had obliged.  
Once inside the cottage they had embraced, both extatic, holding on to each other, knowing that together they had entered a new phase in their relationship. There had been wine and music from the collection of ancient cd’s that Jane kept at the cottage. Rooney had rummaged through the stack of cd’s for the third time when she made a surprising discovery. She took the disc out of its box and put it in the player.  
“Wait till you hear this …”  
She walked up to Cate, who was sitting in one of the comfortable chairs at the fireplace and made a bow.  
“Miss Blanchett, may I ?”  
Cate took her hand and followed her to the cd-player, where Rooney pushed the play-button.They both laughed when Jo Stafford started singing: No other love.  
“You’re such a romantic,” Cate teased. Rooney blushed.  
“Who should lead ? I’ve only learned how to follow.” Cate chuckled.  
“Then you’re lucky I’ve learned to lead. I always danced with Kate at family get togethers and even though this may sound very funny to you, I am the tallest …” Rooney put her right arm around Cate’s waist and put her right foot forward, in time with the music. She leaned her head against Cate’s chest. It was a slow dance, that ended when Rooney steered Cate to the couch where she lowered her onto the comfortable cushions. This time they took it slow, as if they wanted to erase the bruises left by their frantic lovemaking from the night before. It was in many ways a new beginning. 

Andrew Upton loved his wife and he was certain his wife loved him. Even now, after her admission of having an affair with Rooney Mara. Of course, he was devastated by her words, but he also had to admit that he was not surprised, after all. 

He had seen her change after the Cannes showing of Carol, seen her become detached and vague when he asked about her frequent phonecalls, e-mails and meetings with Rooney. The images taken at Cannes, New York, London, they all showed the chemistry, the conspiracy that excisted between the two women. He had noticed how Cate’s beauty had intensified, as if there was a fire within that warmed her features, her smile, her entire body. He had felt his own boy ache, knowing it was not him that made her glow like this.

Still, she had not turned away from him or the children. They worked together, enjoyed being with their children, family and friends, even slept together, if only occasionally. But there was a new part of her life now that did not include him. It was painful and Cate knew that she hurt him when she asked him not to turn away from her, but to find a solution together.  
“Not only for the sake of the children, but also for our sake. You are a part of me, Andrew, as much as I am a part of you.” He knew she was sincere, but had asked for time to let the meaning of her words sink in.  
“Give me time to think, to get very drunk, to be angry with you.”  
But there was one thing they both agreed on that couldn’t wait. They had to talk to their children. 

Kate had been understanding but also strict with Rooney.  
“I’ve never seen you like this before. So … in love… “ She didn’t sound pleased.  
“You act as if I have contracted a terrible disease.” Rooney was not prepared to defend herself.  
They were at the Central Park appartment, where at the entrance a few journalists had tried to persuade the sisters to elaborate on Rooney’s “alleged affair” with Cate Blanchett. Jack, the doorman, had saved them by shielding them from the pushy photographers.

“Sis, of course I’m happy for you, although I have no idea how you and Cate will become one big happy family with Andrew and the children…” Kate went to the kitchen to fetch some wine.  
“I need a drink.”  
Rooney followed, irritated by her sister’s words.  
“I don’t know if I want to become one big happy family, but I trust Cate when she tells me she will work things out with Andrew. And I love the boys. And Edith.”  
She was answered by the “pop” of a cork. A few seconds later Kate handed her a glass of red wine.  
“I just don’t want you to get hurt. Otherwise I’ll kill that woman.”, she added soberly.


	13. Yes. Yes, I would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been some time ... I was on holiday. But here is a new chapter !

Rooney was asleep when her I-phone rang. Drowsy, she tried to locate the phone, that had to be on the bedstand somewhere. She managed to answer it just before it would switch to voicemail.  
“Yes ? …”  
“Sweetheart?” Cate’s trembling voice pierced her heart.  
Rooney quickly sat up, propping some pillows behind her back. She could hear Cate’s breathing against the background of passing traffic.  
“Where are you ?”  
“On my way to my mother.” Cate was silent for a moment. Rooney waited for her to continue.  
“Fuck, what a mess.”   
“Cate, are you crying?” Rooney felt utterly powerless, aching to be with her, to take her in her arms.  
“I’m okay.”Cate hardly sounded convincing.  
“Tell me what happened.” 

After her sister had left Rooney had called Cate. They had to discuss the situation, how to deal with it, personally but also professionally, although that was the last thing on her mind at that moment. Cate had not answered, causing Rooney to fear that, having returned to Sydney, she was already confronted by Andrew. She had left a message, begging Cate to contact her.   
“Darling, call me, please. I, … I love you.”  
There was nothing more to say.   
Talking to Kate had been unnerving but necessary. It was clear Cate and she had messed things up massively.  
“How could you ! Kissing at the airport like some lovestruck teenagers… There are cameras everywhere nowadays. Have you ever heard of I-phones … Had it been with some stupid boy or girl, it would have been forgotten by now, but kissing with Cate fucking Blanchett … Were you out of your mind ?”  
Rooney had let her sister rage, knowing she was right.   
“Yes, I… we were out of our minds.”  
Saying goodbye had been impossible, after the intensity of the days they had spent together at the cottage. They had enjoyed the simplicity of a life far away from the pressure of their respective professional lives, had walked the cliffs, made love. But most of all they had talked about the barriers and possibilities of a life together. Rooney had admired Cate’s courage, knowing all too well that she was the one putting the most at stake. Most of all, Cate needed time. Time to talk to Andrew and to the children. Time to create a new living arrangement that would least affect the boys and Edith. Time to discuss the future of her career with Hylda, her agent.

At the airport, unwilling to say goodbye, they had forgotten their surroundings, letting a friendly hug become a passionate kiss. The price was high: it left Cate without the time and space to carefully discuss the big changes in her life with Andrew and the children. 

Sitting in her car, parked in front of her mother’s house, Cate told Rooney about the events that had led to her leaving her house in Sydney, leaving Andrew and the children behind. After her confrontation with Andrew they had called the boys and had taken them into the garden to sit at the big table shaded by magnolia trees. Cate had told them about her relationship with Rooney and how the press were writing about it.   
“But is it true, Mom ? “ Dashiell looked bewildered.  
Cate looked at Andrew, who shrugged, averting his eyes.  
“Yes darling, it’s true,” she said, keeping her voice neutral.  
“But what about us ?” Roman looked up at his mother, tears in his eyes.  
Cate moved to his chair, kneeling in front of him, putting her hands on his shoulders.   
“I love you and your brothers and sister, that will never change.”   
Andrew took Iggy’s hand.  
“We both love you, boys. And Edith of course. Mom and I will have to think about how we make shure that everything will be allright for you. Mom will go away for a few weeks, to America, for the Oscars. I will stay here with Grandma to look after you.”  
Cate rose and started pacing the terrace, hands in the pockets of her loose trousers.   
“Listen, boys. People will talk, ask you questions about me and Daddy, me and Rooney. You don’t have to answer those questions. Just say: I don’t know or talk to my parents.”  
She sighed.  
“I’m so sorry that this is happening. I just …”  
“Cate …”, Andrew’s hoarse voice betrayed his restrained anger.   
She looked at her husband.  
“I’m sorry Andrew …”  
His eyes were filled with tears.  
“I think you should go.”  
She nodded, then went to her sons. She kissed them and held them tight, knowing she would not see them for a long time. They were used to that, of course, but it had been work that had kept them apart before. This was different. How would they cope, knowing things would never be the same again ? After that she had gone to Edith’s room and she had held her daughter until Andrew had come for her.   
He had helped her with her bags, his anger mixed with grief and a strong feeling of loss. Cate tried to reach him, touching his arm when he handed her her bags to put them in the trunk of her car. He shrugged off her hand.  
“Don’t.”  
“What can I say,” she hesitated, her carkey in her hand. “Take care …”  
He turned his back to her.  
“Please go.”

Rooney listened, feeling helpless not to be able to be with Cate to comfort her.   
“I whished I was there with you right now.”  
“Darling, there’s nothing that I want more.” Cate’s voice broke.  
She did not want to ask the question, but Rooney knew it was necessary, inevitable even, despite the hurt it could bring. She had talked about it with Kate, thinking it through in the hours before Cate was able to call her.   
“Dearest, if you want out of our relationship, I will understand. I don’t want you to be unhappy. I know how much your family means to you.”   
Her remark was met by silence at the other end of the connection, only disturbed by the sound of cars passing by. Rooney felt her stomach cringe.  
“Cate ?” Her voice betrayed her fear. She could hear Cate breath several times before she spoke.  
“Sweetheart, don’t even think about that … I, I want you, I’m more than certain about that. You make me very happy.”  
Rooney smiled, her heart skipping a beat.  
“There is a lot we will have to face now,”, Cate continued. “Our families and friends, the press, public scrutiny.”  
“I know. But together we can handle this, Cate, I’m certain.” Rooney felt elated.  
There was a voice in the background. Cate’s mother.  
“Darling, I have to go. I’ll call again, okay ?” Cate stepped out of her car, her phone still in her hand.  
“Of course …. I love you.”

Rooney felt a fierce physical longing after they had ended their conversation. Unable to sleep she left her bed, roaming through her apartment, a glass of wine in her hand. She was still stunned by the strong sexual bond that excisted between Cate and her. But she had feared that Cate, confronted with her husband and especially her children, would end their relationship. In fact, she had been certain about that, knowing Cate loved her children unconditionally. 

Was it the thought of Therese that had made her so certain Cate would leave her ? After all, because Carol had chosen for her child, Therese had lost her already when their affair had barely started. But now she knew Cate had chosen for a life with her. It filled her with pride and most of all love. Rooney smiled, remembering Therese’s answer every time Carol asked her to come with her: lunch, a Sunday in the country, the trip West. But unlike Therese Rooney knew her answer when Cate would ask her, like Carol, to come and live with her :

“Yes. Yes, I would.”

She had never been more certain in her life.


	14. "Gotcha."

In the eye of the storm there was Rooney. In her arms Cate could hide against the fierce attacks that were everywhere in the press and on social media. The disclosure of her affair with Rooney had unleashed a stream of accusations and insults. It was clear that cheating on your husband of eighteen years did not go well with an audience that up till then had loved the Australian star and her adorable family. And it was also clear that Cate had lied when she denied having had sexual relationships with women, after a Variety interview had suggested she did. Seducing her much younger, female co-star proved that she was actually a lesbian predator.  
“They forget to call me a home-wrecker”, Rooney fumed, throwing away the magazine she had been reading.”While I am as much part of this as you are.”   
Cate laughed.  
“Don’t worry. They’ll come up with it in no time.”

They were in bed together, staying at an exclusive and above all discreet resort at the Californian coast. Keeping away from the press had proved difficult if not impossible. The news about their affair and the possible breakup of Cate’s marriage had been trending on the Internet and in the traditional tabloids and magazines. They had both refused to communicate with any of the journalists that had tried to confront them in various situations or to reach them by phone or e-mail. Their agents had issued short statements in which the press and the public were asked to respect Cate’s en Rooney’s privacy. But that hadn’t put a stop to the numerous speculations about the specifics of their affair. 

There had been support as well, though. Todd, Sarah, Phyllis and other members of the crew proved to be loyal friends, unwilling to share details about the relationship between Cate and Rooney during and after the shooting of Carol. Rooney’s extended family had gathered around their besieged kinswoman. And also Cate’s mother, after a long and difficult talk, supported her daughter unconditionally. The LGBTQ-community was proud to welcome two new, such high profile members.   
All they could do now was wait until the publicity would die down. Which would of course be impossible with the Oscars ceremony coming near.

“Can’t we just skip those damned Academy Awards ? After the Golden Globes and BAFTA’s we can be certain Carol will not win anyway.” Rooney was still angry, adding:   
“I just want to stay here, with you.”   
She looked at Cate, who was sitting next to her, still reading, her glasses sliding to the point of her nose. How was it possible that she was here, with this wonderful woman and to have her all to herself ?   
“I love it when you wear your glasses.” Rooney cupped Cate’s chin, turning her face towards her. Amused, Cate looked in the green eyes of the young woman sitting next to her. Rooney kissed her.  
“I love it when you smile like that.”  
Cate took of her glasses, putting them on the nightstand with the magazine she had been reading. She reached for Rooney, unbuttoning her own shirt and then Rooney’s, uncovering her small breasts.   
“And what else do you love, Miss Mara ?” She pressed Rooney down on the mattress, covering her fragile body with her own. Rooney put her hands around Cate’s neck, pulling her face towards her.  
“You. I love you.”

 

They kissed. It was a languorous kiss, a kiss shared by lovers who by now knew each others body and the way to touch it so well. Cate was still overwhelmed by the power of her desire whenever she touched Rooney. Never before had she been attracted like this by a female body, its softness, its curves, its, well, feminity … Rooney most of all loved Cate’s beauty when not adorned with the professional makeup and stunning couture: the “real Cate” who still wore her casual outfits with a natural elegance. 

Both being very private persons, even Cate, despite her funny, laidback Aussie image, they had discovered they could just be together, not talking for hours, enjoying each others company and wathever they were doing at that moment. Cate admired Rooney’s sharp mind, her sound judgements, her generosity. Rooney could not help but be in awe of Cate’s quick wit and her sometimes chaotic but effective way of dealing with problems and practicalities. “That comes with having four children”, Cate would say. She tried to talk to the boys every day, missing them and the little girl. She would be quiet after those phonecalls and Rooney respected that it was Cate who determined if they would talk about it, or not. They were partners now, in the true sense.

On the day of the Oscars they would not see much of each other. Before their entrance on the red carpet they both had to spend hours with an entire team of make up artists, dressers and hair dressers that would take care of their looks and outfits. Rooney was certain Cate would stun everybody with her seafoam green gown by Armani. But Cate could hardly wait to see Rooney in the sheer white dress by Givenchy that clung to her body, showing every perfect detail of her slender frame. “I don’t know if I will allow other people to look at you in this dress,” Cate said, devouring Rooney with her eyes, filling her with want.

There would be press everywhere and Hylda had hired some extra staff to shield both Cate and Rooney from too intrusive eyes and questions. Still, they were not afraid. It would be the first time they would be seen together in public after the disclosure but they were not ashamed for their love.   
That night they walked the red carpet, arms linked, with Todd between them, like a watchful elder brother. Beaming, he steered them through the crowd. There were flashlights and shouts from the photographers, eager for the striking trio to give them the right angle to take their pictures.   
“Now just Cate and Rooney !”, one of them shouted after a few minutes. Todd gave the two women on his arms a questioning look.  
“It’s okay, we can handle it,” Cate whispered.  
Todd stepped back gracefully.   
And then it was so easy for Cate to turn to Rooney, putting her arm around her shoulders, while Rooney let her arm circle Cate’s waist. This was it.   
“Gotcha !” Cate laughed, pulling her smiling lover close. A wave of flashlights engulfed them.


	15. Chapter 15. Cannes 2020, Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just one more chapter to go... I have split it into two parts. I hate saying goodbye to these two, but it's time to let them ride into the future together. As always I am looking forward to your comments !

A limousine would take them to the steps of the Grand Théâtre Lumière, where a crowd of fans, journalists and photographers awaited them, before they would join the rest of the crew on the red carpet. They were sitting next to each other on the backseat of the car, holding hands. Rooney was her usual quiet self, her eyes taking in the scenery, while the car was making its way along the Boulevard des Anglais. Cate squeezed her hand.  
“Sweetheart, what are you thinking ?”  
Rooney turned her face towards the woman she had been spending her life with in the past four years. She smiled, the dimples making her even more lovely.   
“Do you need to ask ?”  
Cate laughed.  
“I guess not.”   
They were both quiet now, thinking about that evening in Cannes, five years ago, when they kissed for the first time. An evening that had changed their lives forever. And now they were back, this time for Cate’s much anticipated debut as a director. 

After the Oscar ceremony, that, predictably, had turned out to be as disappointing as the other ceremonies, Cate had returned to Australia. A series of talks with Andrew and the children, both together and separately, and with their agents and lawyers awaited her. Dealing with the children and their needs proved to be the most difficult part of the dismantling of Cate’s life with Andrew and it left them both heartbroken. Still bewildered by their separation, the boys did not want to choose between their parents and in the end it was decided they would remain in the house in Sydney, with their little sister. As co-parents Cate and Andrew would alternately care for them for two months, staying with them in the house during that period. 

At first, this new living arrangement, added to the weeks they had to spend on the set of yet another new movie, meant Rooney and Cate could not be together for prolonged periods. Cate was reluctant to introduce Rooney into her Sydney life with her children as long as they were still trying to cope with the new situation. But gradually Rooney would join her during her months in Sydney. What started with just a few days with Rooney staying at the apartment Cate had bought in Sydney, evolved into their taking care of the household together full time. Rooney loved these moments, loved seeing Cate playing the part that meant so much to her, the part of being a mother. And Cate marvelled at the speed with which her children had come to love Rooney. 

It had of course been Ellen DeGeneres who was the first to invite them for an interview, after the storm about their affair started dying down. Ellen wanted them both on the show, but they had decided against this. Although they sometimes appeared as a couple now, they limited themselves to meetings with close friends or family. It was still too early for a public appearance, especially if they were expected to talk about their relationship. First, there were the children to think of: it took time for them to adjust to the new situation. And lawyers were still working on the divorce settlement and the further elaboration of the arrangements Cate and Andrew had made concerning the boys and Edith.   
In the end Cate and Rooney decided only Cate would join Ellen, with the provision they would only talk about her new projects and her work for the UN refugee agency.  
“And there is a second provision,” Rooney added.  
Cate frowned. Rooney looked stern, cupping Cate’s face.  
“I don’t want you to flirt with her.”  
“I have never flirted with that woman !”, Cate sounded indignant, but a blush made its way to her cheecks. Rooney kissed the tip of her nose.  
“You want me to believe that …”   
Cate smiled, looking straight into Rooney’s emerald eyes.  
“I never took you for a jealous woman.”  
Rooney’s arms went around Cate’s waist.  
“I’m not, but when it’s about you I might be.”  
Rooney tightened her grip.  
“If I see you as much as looking at another woman I will send Kate after you.”  
Cate laughed, relishing Rooney’s embrace and moving her hands under her loose silk top, caressing her bare back.   
“You know I only have eyes for you.”  
“As you should !”, Rooney tried to sound strict, but soon gave up and kissed Cate, giving in to her caresses. 

Ellen had kept to her part of the deal but eventually could not resist to refer to Rooney. As usual there had been a lot of verbal fooling around that turned into hilarious flirting. In the end Ellen had put her hand on Cate’s arm, sighing.  
“Cate, by now I’m desperate. Every time we meet you tell me you are with someone. Do I still stand a chance ?”  
Laughing, Cate took her hand.  
“Ellen, I adore you, but once again I have to disappoint you.”  
“Are you happy with her ?” Suddenly serious, Ellen asked the question everybody wanted to ask.  
Cate hesitated for only a brief moment, then smiled.  
“Yes, yes I am. I am very happy with her.”  
Ellen pulled her in a tight hug while the audience cheered. 

The car came to a sudden stop. Cate peered out of the window.  
“I don’t think we’re there yet. There must be a queue all up to the theatre.”  
She sighed. Rooney leaned over to her, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear.  
“Are you nervous ?”  
Cate shrugged.  
“Darling, there is no need to be nervous. It’s a beautiful film.”  
Cate smiled weakly. She would always be insecure about her own performance, being her own fiercest critic.   
“Come here…” Rooney kissed Cate’s forhead and took her in her arms. Her head on Rooney’s shoulder, Cate closed her eyes, taking in the sweet scent of Rooney’s perfume. The car pulled up again. They would arrive at the theatre soon.   
“Stay with me.” Cate squeezed Rooney’s hand.  
“Always.”  
 


	16. Cannes 2020, Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is it: the last chapter ... Couldn't resist...

Chapter 16: Cannes 2020, Part 2

Although the chauffeur tried to drive gently, the constant pulling up and stopping of the car made Rooney feel increasingly nauseous.   
“ I will be sick if this will take too long …”   
Alarmed, Cate touched Rooneys forehead that was covered with small beads of cold sweat.  
“Don’t worry, sweetheart, we’ll be there soon.’  
She put her hand on Rooney’s chest.   
“Try to inhale deeply, relax and exhale.”  
Then Cate lowered her hand, caressing Rooney’s belly. She was by now visibly pregnant.  
“You’ll be fine, trust me. Both of you.”

They had been together for three years when it was mentioned for the first time: a child of their own. They had not spoken about it themselves; it was Kate who, never the one to be too discreet, had asked Rooney. She had just returned from Sydney, where she had spent a summer vacation with Cate and the children.   
“Have you ever considered a child of your own ? You’re very good with those brats.”  
Rooney felt the blood rush to her face.  
“I, I’ve never thought about it.”  
In her relationship with Charlie there had been no room for children. They had both been too preoccupied with their work and had never really discussed it. With Cate, of course, it was very different: her four children had been an important part of their relationship from the beginning.   
“Cate never mentions it and to be honest I don’t think she will want any more children.   
“But you never asked her ?” Kate obvisiously didn’t want to let go of the subject.  
Rooney shrugged.  
“No.”  
She changed the subject.

But Kate had planted a thought in her head that in the end was unable to ignore.   
“Cate ?”  
“Mmm…”  
They were in bed together, lying close, Rooney’s head on Cate’s shoulder.  
“Have you ever thought about children …”  
Cate started to laugh.  
“Sweetheart, in case you hadn’t noticed, I am the mother of four.”  
Rooney shrugged.  
“That’s not what I mean. I …”  
“Shhhh …” Cate reached for the bedsidelamp and turned it on, bathing them in a warm light. She reached for Rooney’s hand.   
“I think I know what you mean, darling. And I’m okay with it. I will love the kid.”   
Rooney’s heart skipped a beat. Then she took Cate’s face in her hands.  
“Our kid.” She smiled, savouring the words, then kissed Cate’s lips. 

Rooney had to admit to herself that Cate’s reaction had been a surprise. Cate was nearing her fiftieth birthday and had given birth to three children herself. Why would she want to take care of yet another baby ? But it would be their baby. And Kate’s probing had made Rooney aware of something that had long been hidden, even to herself. She did want to become a mother. Not to Cate’s children who of course already had a formidable mother, but of her own child. 

A lot of decisions awaited them. There were the projects they had committed themselves to that, once Rooney became pregnant, would have to be cancelled or rescheduled: new films to be made, activities concerning their charities, plays they would participate in. They would have to talk to Andrew and the children about the arrangements in Sydney. And most of all there was the matter of how Rooney could become pregnant. After some deliberations they concluded that they both did not want to involve a father who would be part of the child’s life.   
“Our lives are complicated enough as they are,” Cate reflected. “And with three brothers and Andrew around there will be plenty of male company.”  
Cate had never admitted to Rooney that her wish of having a child together had at first frightened her. After the turmoil of her divorce and the settlements concerning the children, their life together had only just landed in calm waters. And she was acutely aware of the fact that it would be Rooney who would carry this child. Now 49, she was still bothered by the age difference, something Rooney firmly rejected.   
“You are all I want,” was all Rooney would say when Cate tried to talk about it. She believed her. And in the end it was her trust in Rooney’s unwavering love for her, that made her fully accept that she would become a parent once again.

“Cate, I’m pregnant.” Spoken in a soft voice, Rooney’s words were hardly audible.  
Cate turned around in her seat behind her desk.  
“What is it, sweetheart ?”  
Rooney entered the study, holding the pregnancytest in her hand.  
“I’m pregnant.”  
Cate rose from her chair, with two long strides closing the distance between them. She took the test from Rooney, adjusting her glasses to peer at the two blue stripes.  
“My God, you’re right !”  
Nearly crushing her against her tall body, she ecstatically hugged Rooney. The smaller woman hid her head in Cate’s neck.   
“This is wonderful …” Cate felt elated, still astounded by the news.  
“Darling, are you crying ?” She felt Rooney’s tears, making the front of her shirt wet.  
“Of course I’m crying !” Rooney sniffed, trying to smile. Cate tenderly kissed her forehead, soothing back her hair.   
They were both silent, still holding each other, marvelling at this new development that would no doubt, once again, turn their lives upside down.   
Then Cate chuckled. Lowering her voice and with an exaggerated Australian accent she said:  
“Well, I suppose I will have to make an honest woman out of you now …”  
They both laughed. Rooney put her hands on Cate’s shoulders, challenging her.  
“So you can really start calling me “missus”… I don’t think so !”   
“Would you please think about it ?” Cate’s voice suddenly sounded earnest. Rooney’s eyes sought the crystal blue gaze and was moved by its tenderness. She smiled.  
“Yes, yes I would.”

At last the car reached the steps of the Grand Théâtre. Cate let go of Rooney’s hand, reaching up to adjust a stray lock of her carefully made up hair.   
“How do you feel now ?”  
“More or less okay…”  
Rooney smiled bravely.  
Cate looked out of the window. There would be a valet soon to open the door of their limousine.   
“Cate …”, Rooney touched her hand.  
Turning her clear blue eyes to her lover, Cate smiled her slow smile, knowing what would come.  
“I love you.”  
Before she could answer the door opened to reveal their hosts waiting on the red carpet and the crowd gathered around it.   
Cate was the first to get out of the car. Her pinned-up hair and high heels proved to be a beautiful and very feminine contrast to her impeccable, black satin tuxedo. She turned to assist Rooney, helping her with the wide skirt of her white, silk dress. They knew that Rooney’s pregnancy would now become public. At first it seemed as if the crowd held its breath. Then the cheers began.   
With a broad smile Cate put her arm around Rooney’s waist. Beaming, Rooney looked up to Cate’s radiant face. This was it. They were back. Back at Cannes, where it all began.   
Hand in hand they started to mount the steps.


End file.
